When Things Get Tough...

Life has been something of a drag over the past month and a half and I have been finding it a little bit difficult to stay focused and concentrate on almost everything. I have lost confidence in myself and my abilities and this has had an adverse impact on my studies and personal relationships. My exams went better than I expected to be honest and this was supposed to prop me up and give me a boost of the so much needed motivation but the high only lasted a couple of hours to be honest. I was excited when I received my results because I had been so worried beforehand and as soon as I saw I had passed all of them the excitement just switched off, you know how it is like when you blow off a candle, how the flame is extinguished just like that, that is exactly what happened to me. I was hoping the positive result would provide the so much sought after lift that would propel me forward and give me the enthusiasm I felt I was lacking to get on ahead with my project. It is a saddening thought to note that the opposite actually happened and now I feel trapped in a rut and can't seem to find the energy to climb out. That coupled with one of my greatest weaknesses, procrastination, means I haven't done as much work on my project as I was supposed to have done at this point in time.

I had hoped meeting a certain lady who has been providing so much comfort in my life for the past couple of months would make things a bit clearer and I would have an idea of where my life was heading relationship wise but it all turned out for the worst. I was beginning to feel this could be the be all and end all of my search for the "right" girl because we were getting along quite well and she seemed like just the kind of woman I would want in my life. For one she is a goal oriented woman who knows what she wants from life and is on her way to achieving that, secondly she is a planner as well as a dreamer and she works hard to make her dreams come true. She is also a strong woman, been through a lot in her life, faced a lot of drawbacks and she still soldiers on. Anyway as much as I would have wanted us to be more than just friends that's not going to happen and I am now in the process of accepting that and moving on with my life. Another weakness of mine is that I cannot compartmentalise my life, I really have tried to do that but I just cannot. One thing goes wrong in my academic life then it affects the way I relate to the people around me, and so true is the opposite, when something goes wrong in my relationships it inadvertently affects my academic performance as well. I do not know if there is any living person who is able to detach his/ her life and if there is I am very much open to suggestions on how I too can be able to do this.

Having said that I received a message on facebook just a couple of days ago and it was a total but welcome surprise. One of the closet friends I have ever had in my life and whom I still hold dear finally reached out to me after nearly four years without any communication whatsoever. I had made in effort in the past to get in touch with her but I felt her sister was stone-walling me since my friend had got married and she was afraid I was somehow going to ruin her marriage. Anyway we are now back in touch and I just have a feeling she is having problems in her life and she wants to talk to me about them but she just can't bring herself to say what is wrong. I have assured her I will listen when she is ready to talk to me and she should take her time and only when she is ready should she tell me what is going on. I really missed talking to her and still miss the good old days we spent together and hope to see her again someday, she came into my life just at a time when I felt I was losing touch with who I am and where I am going and I guess being in touch with her again has been a breath of fresh air and hope that is going to help me get through these final 3 months of academia.

I received a rejection letter last Friday from one of the companied I had applied to for a graduate training job, damn two rejections in a space of a week, even the strongest man would find it hard taking that. Anyway all it means is that my future is still an open book as far as my career is concerned and I guess it means Aberdeen is not going to be my permanent home. I think plan B is going to be put into motion as soon as I graduate with the way things are going at the moment and with no job in hand at present it seems more and more likely. It is very frustrating and confidence damaging when you keep making applications and yet you know the chances are slim you will get the job even if you are better qualified just for the single fact you are NOT BRITISH or EUROPEAN. All I want is to get relevant experience and then go on to set up my own outfit but it's going to take a bit of time and for now will try and be as flexible as possible until the time is right for me to do my own thing.

Anyway I think I have to go now for a "clearing my head walk" down at the beach and when I get back I am sure I will be able to get on with my project work. Wish me all the best and I will keep you posted on any developments as they unfold. Thank you to all the people who believe in me, you are assured your faith is not misplaced. To my family thank you for the unconditional love and support, to all my friends thank you for being there for me even though sometimes I find it hard to open up to you and tell you all the shit that's going on in my life. Thank you to Chipo for keeping me writing coz I know you are there to read my work( i am a fan as well) and thank you to YOU, couldn't say your name coz the last time we spoke you didn't want your name written down so don't want to piss you off.

What's with all these thank you, starting to behave as if I have won an award or something, got to go now and I have to find some wise words to part with and here goes, "Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness and the word happiness would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness, for to know what happiness means is to know what it feels like to be sad"...